Guilt and a kiss
by CathyDreamer
Summary: a glipse in harry's life just after the baattle. oneshot. hinny


**A/N: i do not own these caracters.**

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When Harry got up to the seventh years dormitory after the battle, his bed was ready for him. Ron and Hermione had stayed behind, so he thought he would be alone; But there was someone waiting for him; Ginny. She had a lost expression on her face that made him feel uneasy. He didn't feel strong enough to talk. So he just miserably stood there, getting ready to be cursed at, for being the reason her brother was dead. But that didn't happen. He looked at her, and she got closer.

"I'm sorry…" he finally whispered. She didn't say anything. She just kept getting closer and closer, until her face was maybe an inch away from his. He gave her an inquiring look. And then, as if a bucket of cold water was thrown on her, her eyes lit with anger, and she slapped him hard, across the face.

"Don't you EVER do this to me again!" she shouted, her voice unsteady, and she ran out of the room.

Harry's face took a pained expression. He had managed to lose her too. It would be a lie to say that he didn't expect it, but none the less… he got in his bed, without taking his clothes off, and prepared himself for a sleepless night. But he was wrong. His body, exhausted from a day full of fighting and running, was craving for some sleep. He rested his head on the pillow and a second later, he was lost in the world of dreams.

Several hours and nightmares later, he woke up, hearing a strange sound. It took him a bit, but he finally realized it was the sound of an owl tapping its beak on the window. With the painful image of Hedwig in his mind, he got up, and let Hermes, Percy's owl in. It had a small piece of paper tied in its leg. Looking around, and finally realizing he was the only one in the room, he untied it and started reading:

_Dear Harry,_

_I know you don't have any place to stay at the moment, so I thought you might want to come to the Barrow. We would be happy to have you with us until you decide what to do._

_ Hoping to see you soon,_

_ Mrs. Weasley_

_P.S. I didn't want to wake you up when we left, you looked exhausted. This owl should get to you at about 6 in the evening. I hope it doesn't wake you up._

Surprised by the last sentence, Harry looked at his watch and saw it was indeed half past six. He took another look at the letter, and the back of his eyes stung with unwanted tears. She still wanted to see him, after losing a child because of him. He considered it for a moment; going to live with them. But no, he couldn't face them. He could face none of them, especially George. And they probably wouldn't want to see him either. She was just being kind, he told himself. No, there was no way he was putting them through even more pain. But he considered it rude not to answer her. He turned the parchment to the other side, randomly summoned a quill and inkbottle and dipping the quill in the ink, he began writing.

_Dear Mrs. Weasley,_

_Thanks for the offer, but I reckon I'll stay in Hogsmead for a few days._

He stopped there for a moment. What on earth was he supposed to say? After much thought, he dipped the quill in the ink again and added:

_Say hi to everyone for me._

_Harry_

He tied the letter on the owl's leg and led it to the window. It took off instantly, and he stood there gazing at the sky, until the owl was nothing but a dot surrounded by deep blue. He shook his head, to keep any memory of the day that had passed from creeping into his mind, and begun heading to the kitchens, wondering whether there was any house elf left that would be able to make him something to eat. It was a nightmare walking through the once welcoming corridors. Even though he took every single shortcut he knew of, in order not to bump into anyone, he couldn't avoid seeing the damage the battle had caused to the castle itself. And every fallen rock, every crack on the floor, seemed to be connected with a painful memory.

When he finally got to the painting that hid the entrance to the kitchens, he saw, surprised, that nothing had been destroyed. He tickled the pear and got in. Before he even had the chance to look around though, something hugged his knees, almost knocking him off his feet.

"Kreacher!" he exclaimed realizing who it was.

"Kreacher thought he would never be seeing you again sir, but there you are!" screeched the elf.

"Nah, I'm alright. How are you?" he asked, smiling.

"Kreacher is fine sir! Would sir want something to eat?" said the elf, his eyes glistening with happiness.

"Yes, please. Are some eggs and sausages too much?" Harry answered.

"Harry Potter can never ask for too much after what he did!"

"Thanks." Harry sighed, sinking in a chair that stood nearby. Five minutes later, he was gorging himself with the most delicious breakfast he had ever eaten.

"Kreacher, can you do me a favor?" he asked, after a thought popped up in his head.

"Of course, sir!"

"Go take a look at Sirius's house and tell me if we can go there, will you?"

"Right away, sir!"

And before he even had the time to blink, the elf was gone. He had already finished his breakfast when Kreacher came back, with tears in his enormous eyes.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked, concerned.

"It… it is destroyed sir. Looks like someone set it on fire." The elf said, looking at him.

Harry felt his own eyes watering. The only thing he had to tie him to Sirius was gone. He took a moment to make sure his voice would sound steady and then said.

"Ok. Here's what we are going to do. You'll stay here, and help rebuild this place, and when I get a place to live, I'll come and get you. How's that sound?" he asked.

"Can Kreacher come visit you sir?"

"Of course you can! Just make sure there aren't any muggles around. I dunno where I might be."

"Thank you, sir!" the elf exclaimed and took his empty plate from him.

"Ok, I need to be going now." Harry said after a moment of silence. "Take care of Hogwarts Kreacher. It means the world to me."

"Yes sir!" screeched the elf, and walked with him to the exit of the kitchens.

Harry waved goodbye, and started walking towards the headmaster's office. Next stop: McGonagall. It took him some time to get there. He wasn't in any hurry, and the shortcuts of this school didn't make much of a difference to the big size of the place. When he got to the door, he remembered that he didn't know the password. As he took an uncertain step forward however, it swung open, and professor McGonagall stepped out.

"Potter! How are you feeling?" she asked a rare smile on her face.

"Fine, considering… anyway, I wanted to ask you if I could be of any help."

"No, Potter you've done enough. Is there anything I could help you with?"

"Well, not really, thanks. Unless you know of any small house I could buy… I can't stay here for much longer, can I?"

"Why don't you try Godric's Hollow? There is always something for sale there… I would suggest Hogsmead, but I think it is too close to the nightmares, isn't it?"

"Yes indeed. Well, thanks a lot… do you think I could step into your office for a moment, and speak to professor Dumbledore?" he asked.

"If he is not sleeping, I cannot see why not. I always thought he had a soft spot for you Potter." She said, looking as if she didn't exactly approve of the fact.

He nodded, and got in. The office was same as always, only the portrait of Severus Snape was now above the headmaster's chair. Unfortunately, he was sleeping. Dumbledore however was wide awake, smiling at him.

"Hallo Harry." He said pride apparent in his voice.

"Hallo sir. Can I ask you a question?" Harry said.

"Of course you can my boy!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Can you… I mean do you…this portrait I'm seeing now, is it just a talking image of you, or is it you?"

"You could say that it's me."

"So… can you… speak with the others that have… died?" Harry asked, hoping for a positive answer.

"Yes… we are… able to communicate with each other." The old man answered cautiously.

"Well, then, can you tell the… newcomers that I'm really really sorry?"

"I could, but I hardly think it necessary."

"I would feel much better if you did." Harry said, his voice shaking.

"If it is that important to you, of course I will my boy."

"Thank you, sir. And please tell professor Snape that I thank him for… well, everything."

"Of course Harry. I think he knows however." Dumbledore said, examining him with that penetrating look of his. Harry started moving towards the door, but as he put his hand on the handle, he heard Dumbledore calling him again.

"Yes sir?" he replied.

"Do not let this eat you up. You need to stay strong; for you, and so many of your friends." Dumbledore said, with the air of a man who knew exactly what he was talking about. Harry thought of asking for a moment. But he knew better. He was sure that he would find out soon enough.

"Yes sir. Thanks." He said, and stepped out of the room. Once out of the office, he wondered what to do next. He could stay a bit longer, and try to help, some way or another, or he could get out of there and find a place to live, and get away from the bad memories. He decided to do the latter. McGonagall had made it obvious that she didn't want him to do anything, and if he wanted to be honest, he had to admit that that woman still scared him a little.

Using the shortcuts again – what a surprise – he managed to get out of the castle and onto the grounds without meeting anyone, which he considered a major accomplishment. He headed to the gates, trying not to think, not to remember, in which he wasn't the least bit successful.

When the protective spells were finally out of range, he disapparated. Seconds later, he opened his eyes, and the painfully familiar village had appeared in front of him. Determined not to let that affect him, he started walking, keeping his eyes open for any "on sale" signs. It didn't take long. He found a small cottage, a little further from the other houses, and as far away as possible from the cemetery – that place still freaked him out – that barely had room for two. If he ever had a family, which was highly unlikely, he thought, he could easily magically expand it. He paid the owner, who, fortunately was a muggle, and proceeded to make it feel like home. The next day it was ready, and Harry started trying to get used to living alone, only to discover that it was hopeless. Images of beautiful brown eyes and red hair would randomly pop in his mind and refuse to leave for several hours each time.

One week later, an invitation arrived. They were burying all the deceased right there, in Godric's Hollow, to unite old and young heroes, as the letter said. Harry thought of not going. It was all his fault after all wasn't it? Why would anyone want to see him? But not honoring them would be even worse. So, three days later, on the 13th of May, and after a sleepless night, Harry got out of his new house and headed towards the cemetery.

Passing by the magic statue of his family, he signed as he spotted a small crowd standing in front of some newly dug graves. When he got closer, the first thing he noticed was Ginny. Wearing a long black dress, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She wasn't crying, even though her eyes were as red as blood. Then, he saw Ron, right next to her. He was trying not to cry, hugging Hermione, who was sobbing hard, her head rested on Ron's chest. Fighting his own tears, Harry moved even closer, and hugged everyone; First Ron, than Hermione. He paused a little when he reached Ginny, but then hugged her too. Trying hard not to do anything out of line, like kissing her in front of everybody, he looked in her eyes for a moment, and then proceeded to hugging, or shaking hands with everyone that was there. He noticed that George was not there. Naturally, he thought. Another one that was not crying, to his great surprise, was Mrs. Weasley. She was standing a bit further than the rest of the others, trying to calm Percy down, who was inconsolable. Mother's nature, he said to himself. Harry stood there, listening to everyone talk in turn, about all the people that had passed, using noble words that, in his opinion, did not even scratch the surface of his friends' bravery. He did not stand up to say anything when called. He couldn't. Feeling like his voice was stifled by emotions; he just hopelessly shook his head.

When the service ended, and everyone started to leave, he decided he would stay for just a little longer. He noticed that one gravestone had more than one names on it. He saw Sirius' name, Mad Eye's, even Dobby's. Dumbledore and Snape were there too. Everyone who was buried somewhere else, or not buried at all, had their own grave now. Noticing his gaze, Mrs. Weasley got closer to him and whispered in his ear. "I thought they would have liked to be together. Look, we managed to find a place next to your parents…" she hugged him in her usual motherly fashion and left.

A couple of minutes later, looking behind him, Harry realized that the only one left besides him, was Ginny. She looked at him, and he avoided her gaze, out of shame. Ginny took some steps forward, and stood right beside him. She looked at Fred's grave, and suddenly, out of nowhere, she broke down sobbing. Without even realizing what he was doing, Harry was hugging her, stroking her hair, trying to calm her down.

"Ginny… don't… what is it? What's wrong?" he asked, scared.

"Oh, now you dare ask what's wrong?" she cried, suddenly angry. Harry took a step back, shocked, while Ginny started shouting, still crying.

"Everything is wrong Harry, the whole bloody world is wrong! I lose Fred, and then I lose you too! And then you come back to life! And I was bloody relieved! Believe me Harry, it felt like being reborn when I saw you killing that… that monster! But then… then you just disappear! '_Say hi to everyone for me'? _What the bloody hell was that? You think that after all this… complete and utter madness, saying 'hi' was enough? And even worse, writing it in a god damn letter? Addressed to someone else? You honestly think that it was the best thing you could do? And I came looking for you Harry! I went to Hogsmead, and you were nowhere to be found! And then I got in that school, I had to go through everything all over again, to find out that not even Dumbledore knew where the hell you had gone! Not Kreacher, not McGonagall, not anyone! And hell, Harry, I must be a bloody masochist, because even then, I still felt like I couldn't live without you! And everyone was crying for those poor guys, and I felt like a git, because I wasn't, I wasn't crying for them Harry, no, I was crying for your sorry arse!" she said, and then just turned her back on him and stared straight ahead of her.

"I'm… I'm so, so sorry Ginny… I just…" Harry started saying, but she interrupted again.

"What? Just what?" she asked, turning to face him, tears running down her cheeks.

"I just thought you wouldn't… want to see me." He whispered.

"What? Are you serious? Why on earth would you think that?" she asked, her turn now to be shocked.

"Because, damn it Ginny, I'm the reason they're dead, that's why!" he replied, now shouting.

"No! No, you're not! Hell, Harry, the world doesn't bloody revolve around you! He's the reason they're dead! You are the reason the rest of us are still alive! You cannot take responsibility for every god damn thing!"

"But if I'd just…" he insisted.

"No." she cut across him, moving closer. She put her hands on his cheeks, and looked at him right in the eyes. He felt lost in her gorgeous eyes. "Harry James Potter, you listen to me; you are a hero. And there is nothing, nothing, wrong with that. Got it?" she said, quietly.

"I think so, yeah." He replied slowly.

"Good. Now, kiss me." She demanded.

Harry didn't need to be told twice. He kissed her, and it was even better that he remembered. It felt like flying. No, it was even better than flying. It felt like being transferred to another world, a world of peace, where he didn't need to worry about anything; A world where he could finally be completely free.

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**A/N: i would appreciate a review if you've got the time. i hope you enjoyed it**


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